fun.risKx.l0ve

you first before him.

my first relationship. i always imagined it to be really dreamy, full of sweet moments that drool like a thousand candy canes melting. just a fairy tale book, with a happily ever after moment but never actually ending. so much dreams for it. so many lovely envisions. 

i did get it. a great start. i was happy for a lot of reasons. i was starting a new road in my life. 21 years of not having a boyfriend. but a guy just suddenly changes the history of me. it’s heart warming to know that someone could actually level up to my standards, that someone could actually be “the one”. 

i’ve always been the one who says priorities come first. priorities meaning family, school, career and whatever success i can grasp. never did i know being in a relationship could actually slowly…. change me. 

i like spending moments always with him, like i’d die if i couldn’t be by his side. always thinking about how he is.. has he eaten? is he tired? is he home safe? .. to the very point that i could smell his manly intoxicating scent on my bed. 

i worry over him not texting me when he used to text me every minute when i first said yes. i worry about who he’s with and what he’s doing. i worry if he’s telling the truth or if he’s hiding something. so many worries. in fact, maybe too many that it’s started to eat my self up. my world started to revolve around him.

and so my ordeal of a love sick puppy continues. is this how a first relationship is suppose to feel? really? or is it just me? somehow, i get the feeling that it may just be me. 

no smart lady would ever let a man make up her world. no. smart ladies are meant to put priorities first and think of a boyfriend as a beautiful stopover somewhere along the road to success or the road of a career.. whatever you call it. and if things go well… too well for that matter, they just might start to live again as one.

maybe i was so caught up in the happy moments of my foreseen stereotype of a relationship. i may have expected too much and thought too much of it. yes, im open to all the possibilities of breaking up or having a cool down. i just never expected i’d be dumb when it comes to so called love. 

don’t get me wrong. im not going to break up with him. i’m gonna slowly build this relationship on my end. and after days of thinking about this and that.. of studies.. of ambitions and of having a boyfriend.. i realized that the best way would be to love one’s self first.

love yourself. a really strong mantra. when you learn to love yourself, you learn about your weaknesses and strengths, anything you can develop and even anything you can use as a weapon. when you love yourself right, you learn to be happy, to be contented, to be confident, to know right from wrong and to depend on yourself when all else fails. lesson learned.

learn to play the business game. use your head. 

never trust easily. trust but never give it your all. believe that you can have a happy ever after but do not surround yourself with it… keep the doors open. hope that love grows and becomes strong enough to bind you together not because others think you should or because it’s the right thing to do. feel it. want it. accept it. then let it grow.

there’s a thousand miles to go. i just wish every girl gets what she deserves.

expectations turn into frustrations.

i get it. not everything we expect turns out right or come out as it is for that matter. it’s something that the human species has continuously continued to master - to know that not everything is bound to be expected at once. but sometimes, expectations just give us a hell of a lot of reasons to think, making our brains drain its bat from over thinking. and what’s the point? only to be disappointed?

i have seriously batted out my understanding. slowly, i am still trying to understand. so here’s what i do. i call you in for some time to talk. you get me. and believe me, i get you. but where does getting me actually lead to? is it just for listening and letting words pass through both ears, a thought to ponder on, or a thought to really work on? 

yeah, you say you’re sorry. well, im sorry too. and you say you’re working on it. believe me, i cannot tell you how hard i am trying. i grew up with so much love, so much care, so much affections. this kind of set my standards which i think is not very high. you are capable of reaching it. maybe, it’s the idea that you don’t really get why my expectations are turned into frustrations on you. so why do they?

i can’t help but compare my ideals and expectations to your current actions. but am i wrong to do that? i can’t help but expect that you at least try to do the same. am i still wrong? and the beginning was never this bad. it was one of the best. i just wish everything else after the beginning would be good if not best.

here’s the thing. i don’t like to compare. i don’t want to expect too much. but i have standards and references. so now, please tell me what to do.

my wants. for today.

today was.. take note.. was the 2nd day of our midterm exams. so i haven’t really had sleep .. or ample rest. my last exam wasn’t really the blast of the party. not that i didn’t know the answer. i just confused it for something else. auuugh! but it’s been done. nothing i can do about it….. FOR NOW.

so i head to the dorm lost in all the what ifs that enters my now succumbed to dryness mind. i keep telling myself there are others but i at the same time can’t deny the fact that i could have.. i really could have. see, im still all bummed about it. 

i get to my room which is on the third floor.. huh! but as i enter, cold wind from the aircon sweeps through me and i get that feeling of attacking the bed. yes, my glorious bed. but no, i can’t sleep yet. so, i lay looking at the ceiling. i think then. i could really use some “how are yous” or maybe some “what’s up?” or maybe some “how did things go?” …. yeah, is it too dramatic of me? well, i shut out the notion and keep staring at the ceiling.

and then it hits me. no, it’s not too dramatic to get some kind of sympathy after restless nights of studying for majors. and no, it certainly isn’t too dramatic to want someone to ask if i’m okay. at some point, even if how mighty we are in the point of our lives, there will be those days we feel just like a baby- wanting to be cared for, wanting to be asked of our wants, wanting to be cuddled, wanting to just even know that there will always be someone there for us no matter what. 

after a tiring day, i do deserve even just the simplest of gestures from people who i actually care about. i did get two and they were really uplifting. and for these, i am truly thankful.

at least now, my mind is at peace before i head for bedtime. ;)

a lil dreamin’ after sleep

i just had the most marvelous dream! a flight to barcelona, walking on its sunkissed shores. then there was the autumn loving down the aisles of new york’s park avenue. and the last stop was at slovenia’s culture-rich mountains. dreaming…. yes, i didn’t spend a cent! dreaming… yes, i probably still am.

fiRSt stEp t0 fANtasy ;)

when i was younger, there were a hundred things i wanted to do not just because i wanted to but because i had some skills. but there was this one thing that got my passion smitten. i never really thought i’d do it. thank god there is a sembreak.

ive done a lil pushing to get myself to start. quite hard, mind you. but i finally got myself to sketch ‘em out. no training, not much skills to totally hone out a figure and they’re all a lil rough… in da makin’.

i just wanna say thank you to those who surrounded me with such encouragement and support. u hve all mde me proud with myself. thank u.

* will post ‘em when d color lay outs are done. soon.